The Importance of Keeping Your Individuality When Married

[Guest053011]

More and more I see psychiatrists, therapists and commentators publishing articles similar to this one. It seems to be a new philosophy in marriage - they no longer preach putting the relationship before yourself, but protecting your independent spirits to ensure the strength of the relationship.

I'm curious what those who are or have been married would say:

http://www.bukisa.com/articles/25828...ou-are-married

Married couples, especially newly married ones are happy to do things together, but couples need to be aware of the importance of retaining ones independence, in order to ensure that they have a healthy and successful marriage.

Marriage is a life changing time in people's lives, especially for couples who are living together for the first time. Keeping your individuality is essential to ensure a successful marriage. Just because you married someone doesn't mean that they have to be your entire life, and it doesn't meant that they are the only person in your life.

The reason your partner married you is for who you are, and changing simply because you're married won't do any good to you or your marriage. When you live with someone it's easy to end up doing everything together, because it's so convenient. Doing everything as a couple, however, can have many drawbacks, especially over time. Everyone needs to have some time alone and maintain a life outside their marriage, or they will inevitably start to feel smothered by their partner.

In a marriage, one or even both partners sometimes give up so much of their identity, often in order to please their partner, not because their partner asked it of them, but because they simply want to be available for their partner. This leads some people to change their routines and habits, and eventually end up losing themselves and their identity. Clinginess, however, will only smother your partner and make them feel an excessive need to be alone in order to breathe, which will eventually lead to distance in a marriage. Furthermore, relying too much on one person puts pressure on them, and they will eventually disappoint, as no one is without flaws.

Doing things individually, and keeping your independence is the best way to keep your marriage healthy. By constantly being together it's harder to appreciate the other person, however, if you regularly do things as individuals, then when you come home to your spouse you will appreciate them, because you will be familiar with what it's like without them.

Even couples who are very alike still have some interests which may differ from their partners, and the last thing they should do is disregard those interests. In the long run, doing so could lead a person to resent their partner.

It's great to get out of the house and have common interests that you engage in such as dancing, hiking, playing sports or whatever it is that you have in common with your spouse. However, if you like cooking for example, and you enjoyed going to cooking classes before being married, don't give it up now simply because your partner isn't interested. You had friends before being married and doing things with them is a great way to bond and stay in contact, while at the same time keeping your individuality.

It's easy for people to give to others, but most often they forget to take some time for themselves. People are still individuals even after becoming husbands and wives, or mothers and fathers, and holding on to this individuality is what will help ensure a marriage is successful and fulfilling.

[charlestudor2005]

I think the article is geared to relatively new relationships.

It's the longer, successful ones that bear scrutiny. Some hints are here:
http://yahoo.match.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/...sessiontimeout.

(Hope the link works. And who could resist me for a lifetime? Just look at the avatar.)

[Valerie]

I agree...I think too many people loose themselves after getting married or have been in long term relationships. I have learned never to rely solely on one person and always stay true to myself.

[atlcomedy]

It took me a little while in the working world to understand the real dynamics of "Happy Hour." I mean it isn't something most would articulate because it sounds harsh.

I always wondered, "Why not go home first, change into something more comfortable, position yourself closer to home & this stuff about missing traffic is BS because traffic is still horrible when you leave....and if you are having a good time, why not stay a little longer?"

The reality is, for some people, "happy hour" a few times a week is the only "me" time they get. A hour of escape between professional obligations and playing loving parent/spouse.

As an aside, there is a happy hour regular at a pub I frequent. His wife and kids were going to be out of town for two weeks & he'd be a "bachelor." You'd figure we'd see a bunch of him up at the pub. Heck, he might even stick around for dinner a couple of times. No, instead, he never stopped in at all. He could pick up some to-go and retire to the peace and quiet of a whole house

[NinaBrooke]

Said article is a portrayal of the so called hedonistic society we live in (post post war generation) that is basing personal needs within searching fulfillment in oneself and doing exploratory visions of hedonism. Nowadays the people do not need to be togehter anymore to build up a house/society and women are financially independent (or lets say, they have the chance to be) . So priorities in relationships have changed too.
Numerous sociologists have found with recent researches ( unfortunately i only know german literature on that topic, but i try to explain) that our society (or better our societies) develops from a society of "obligation" (you need to be a certain way/relationships do only work that way / there have been regulatory books on how to be a good wife /good husband)
towards a society of "options" (there are many subcultures and people have so many options to choose from that its hard to stick to the same things intertwined at all times in a relationship).
Said article reflects on the "we live in an options world" therefor we are more content with being self-fulfilling and striving to self-fulfilment, which leads to the fact that people in marriages are finding themselves exploring different options at the same time.
The idea of successful polyamory springs from that reflection and is the - logical - conclusion of a society of hedonism (responsible hedonism)

[NinaBrooke]

Originally Posted by charlestudor2005

I think the article is geared to relatively new relationships.

It's the longer, successful ones that bear scrutiny. Some hints are here:
http://yahoo.match.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/...sessiontimeout.

(Hope the link works. And who could resist me for a lifetime? Just look at the avatar.)

The link is great , but it does not necessarily portray a contradiction to the one Lauren posted. Nevertheless - both are true - the one you presented is the base for successful relationships of any kind. Ideas have to be at least in the same normative areas. I mean - polyamory and mormonism - is NEVER going to last (i tried) so it will not even explore the areas of "doing something apart from each other" since there will be no "together" of any sort in the first place :-).

I think the base has to be right and similar so you can explore different things then later ;-). Many people also grow apart.

[WTF]

Originally Posted by ninasastri

(responsible hedonism)

LOL, responsible hedonism...nina, who gets to judge what is responsible!

I vote me

[abdclub]

After 3 marriages, I finally got wise (Strange, I always thought I was! LOL), and realized that I had spent my life trying to do the best I could for other people and not doing the same thing for myself!
My realization that everyone(!) has their own baggage to carry, led me to the hobby, and despite the fact that I am still a romantic and a gentleman at heart, providers are no better or worse than civilians.
Let's me sleep better at night.

abdclub

[NinaBrooke]

Originally Posted by WTF

LOL, responsible hedonism...nina, who gets to judge what is responsible!

I vote me

no me!! ...... the term responsible hedonism was coined because it states that whatever happens must be consensual. Hedonism in its true meaning really gives a rats ...behind... about consensual, as long as you feel good.

See Skunk Anansie`s song "Hedonism" - "Just because you feel good, doesn`t make it right". But you are right. also consensual acts can be irresponsible.so its hard to judge what is /isn`t responsible, that is correct

[Guest053011]

Originally Posted by ninasastri

Said article is a portrayal of the so called hedonistic society we live in (post post war generation) that is basing personal needs within searching fulfillment in oneself and doing exploratory visions of hedonism. Nowadays the people do not need to be togehter anymore to build up a house/society and women are financially independent (or lets say, they have the chance to be) . So priorities in relationships have changed too.
Numerous sociologists have found with recent researches ( unfortunately i only know german literature on that topic, but i try to explain) that our society (or better our societies) develops from a society of "obligation" (you need to be a certain way/relationships do only work that way / there have been regulatory books on how to be a good wife /good husband)
towards a society of "options" (there are many subcultures and people have so many options to choose from that its hard to stick to the same things intertwined at all times in a relationship).
Said article reflects on the "we live in an options world" therefor we are more content with being self-fulfilling and striving to self-fulfilment, which leads to the fact that people in marriages are finding themselves exploring different options at the same time.
The idea of successful polyamory springs from that reflection and is the - logical - conclusion of a society of hedonism (responsible hedonism)

A most interesting answer.

Merely thoughtful opinion:

Really I think it comes down to what you believe is being fulfilled. I was raised in an extremely traditional religious household and "fulfillment" had a specific meaning.

Hedonism implies self pleasure that is material in nature. To seek fulfilment is a great deal more than pleasure, it is seeking peace, knowledge, wisdom, self awareness and truth. I think searching for fulfilment is not an act of hedonism.

Fulfillment is something that every religion at it's most sincere core tries to provide. They all teach that one cannot be blinded by the trite distractions of hedonism when seeking fulfillment.

As a couple, whether you grow together, or grow apart - you continue to grow. Change is a part of life, and I think that this philosophy is not about hedonism but about embracing change into your relationship.

I think what happens when two individuals within a marriage continue to explore themselves, to seek fulfillment, is that their growing self awareness and the joy with which they discover knowledge, wisdom, truth, becomes part of the strength of the relationship. When they do come together, they have new things to teach each other, things to share, new ways to bond and rejoice in how much they adore the other.

It allows the relationship to be ever changing openly so that both parties are given a chance to grow together, instead of going through a process of change internally, with is clouded in guilt and resentment, causing them to grow apart.

Now of course such a philosophy assumes that both parties are secure in themselves. The truth is I think fighting change and new experiences for yourself or your partner is a form of seclusion born of insecurity and often the slow and agonizing demise of love. A death by a thousand cuts, a painfully slow suffocation.

[WTF]

Originally Posted by Lauren Summerhill

It allows the relationship to be ever changing openly so that both parties are given a chance to grow together, instead of going through a process of change internally, with is clouded in guilt and resentment, causing them to grow apart.

Now of course such a philosophy assumes that both parties are secure in themselves. The truth is I think fighting change and new experiences for yourself or your partner is a form of seclusion born of insecurity and often the slow and agonizing demise of love. A death by a thousand cuts, a painfully slow suffocation.

To be really secure in yourself means to understand that no matter what you do, what lifestyle you choose there is the chance that your partner might find another that they would rather spend more time with than you, heck they might be more content by themselves. The people that have a hard time dealing with separation or rejection are ones not understanding of this principal or people that do understand this fact and still choose to invest their heart and soul in the relationship. Those IMHO are the brave souls of the world....putting your heart out to another knowing the pain that will ensue.

There are no guarantee's in life except death. No lifestyle can assure total happiness. Now the belief that one will can give one a false sense of worth which can translate into a form of happiness but that can lead to a huge bubble....no different than the housing bubble.

[NinaBrooke]

Originally Posted by Lauren Summerhill

A most interesting answer.

Merely thoughtful opinion:

Really I think it comes down to what you believe is being fulfilled. I was raised in an extremely traditional religious household and "fulfillment" had a specific meaning.

Hedonism implies self pleasure that is material in nature. To seek fulfilment is a great deal more than pleasure, it is seeking peace, knowledge, wisdom, self awareness and truth. I think searching for fulfilment is not an act of hedonism.

Fulfillment is something that every religion at it's most sincere core tries to provide. They all teach that one cannot be blinded by the trite distractions of hedonism when seeking fulfillment.

As a couple, whether you grow together, or grow apart - you continue to grow. Change is a part of life, and I think that this philosophy is not about hedonism but about embracing change into your relationship.

I think what happens when two individuals within a marriage continue to explore themselves, to seek fulfillment, is that their growing self awareness and the joy with which they discover knowledge, wisdom, truth, becomes part of the strength of the relationship. When they do come together, they have new things to teach each other, things to share, new ways to bond and rejoice in how much they adore the other.

It allows the relationship to be ever changing openly so that both parties are given a chance to grow together, instead of going through a process of change internally, with is clouded in guilt and resentment, causing them to grow apart.

Now of course such a philosophy assumes that both parties are secure in themselves. The truth is I think fighting change and new experiences for yourself or your partner is a form of seclusion born of insecurity and often the slow and agonizing demise of love. A death by a thousand cuts, a painfully slow suffocation.

Hi Lauren,
I agree with what you stated - the social developments regarding a status of "options" within society - instead of obligations transcend the point of hedonism as only source for said options. I disagree that hedonism per se is materialistic, it can also be spiritual (if you believe in spirits) or mystical . I think the society of obligations is putting people beyond the pure measurement of "roles" for a special society they have to fulfill , but much rather into the possibility of searching for their true selves , be it spiritual ( i am trying to be a mystic myself aside from connotations of religions - the transpersonal author Ken Wilber is amongst my favourites, so i apologize for the shortcomings of my posting, i do know that religious mystics (i personally hate the word spiritual for the transcending into the altered states of consciousness) are not only hedonists as it requires much work to find your true selve or to connect with the otherworld (Terence Mc Kenna). But hedonism can be a part of religion as well. (Just not of catholic ones - they punish it - and get a kick out of that :-) so much to BDSM)

There are - however- different streams in religions - one that are ascetic and ones that are pleasure-fulfillments, i do think something like responsible hedonism is catering to the less ascetic (askese - what s the word in english) parts of religious experiments. So your statement is - i think based on the asketic (non pleasure seeking religions) and not representable for the other relgions that enhance hedonism.

Other than that, i agree that the term hedonism is not inclusive of everything that the societal change in terms of "options" has to offer. As to your questions why therapists do cater to these needs? Because they are escorts - same like us :-). They also are influenced by societal change and what was good therapy decades ago is not good therapy nowadays. Do i think therapists trigger change and its their great and creative idea to tell married partners to do things apart from each other?
No way.
In german are many critical literature on marriage therapy. I only know of one in english i have handy now, its the world renowned Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson with his book http://www.amazon.com/Assault-Truth-...ref=pd_sim_b_2
who critizices therapists and their normative approach .

Therapists are also bound to - or limited by - societies approach to topics. ANd instead of telling people to get a divorce or become polyamorous (not cheaters) they support the idea of life long marriages and are against divorce creatively trying to bring no matter how screwed up ideas into the therapy room to keep couples together.

And believe me - the ones that stay together do not need therapy - and the ones that fail - no therapy can ever help. Which does not mean to say that all people staying together are the ones whose relationships did not fail at one point. Some are simply to convenient (hedonistic??) to get a divorce. period. It does not matter - really - if my marriage fails if i do or don`t do things so much with or without my husband if the base has failed already. Its just creativity in avoiding clearness on the issues. I also do think all these creative books about "how to enhance your marital sex life" are hogwash and put pressure on people, because it gives them the feeling when they are not sexual anymote with each other - they have failed. Its all normative. People have to fuck each other and do things apart then they are a great couple. What about all these who don`t fit the norms? I think therapy and all these books are putting a great deal of pressure on people and on how to live their lives. Do they ever really help?
No. But as i said - therapists are escorts - and they also need money, don`t they? At least the kind of therapists who put standards on "how to make a good marriage last". I think a really good counselor helps people to find their own unique way instead of telling them a 5-step programm on "how to enhance pleasure". That is not really an individual approach to very individual problems between two individuals and their unique individual relationship. I mean i don`t believe that people are so unique anyway, but pressing them into a norm and telling them what to do is reminding me more of catering cmpletely against any individual approach.

Such articles are the typical "anti-individual" approach. It puts all people into one closet and then tells them on how to live their life. Best continued with a little polyamory and escort bashing and then we are all back to the "one TRUE"" love...

If it were that easy, why do people still get divorced? Because they haven`t read enough of said "smart-ass" books?? Or they are not "secure enough with themselves" ? Or they have not had someone like us to tell them what is true and what is false? How long was your longest relationship , Lauren? Why did it break? What was the normative context of said relationships? Heteronormativity, polyamory, Cheating? so i mean - i personally am all for the flaws of reality. Speaking words of wisdom that a book has written is much easier than living :-)

[NinaBrooke]

Originally Posted by WTF

To be really secure in yourself means to understand that no matter what you do, what lifestyle you choose there is the chance that your partner might find another that they would rather spend more time with than you, heck they might be more content by themselves. The people that have a hard time dealing with separation or rejection are ones not understanding of this principal or people that do understand this fact and still choose to invest their heart and soul in the relationship. Those IMHO are the brave souls of the world....putting your heart out to another knowing the pain that will ensue.

There are no guarantee's in life except death. No lifestyle can assure total happiness. Now the belief that one will can give one a false sense of worth which can translate into a form of happiness but that can lead to a huge bubble....no different than the housing bubble.

beautiful words. similar to my statement. nothing to add... you`re still my hero :-) some people even grow apart when they are not clouded by resentment. Love is not meant to last. marriage is.

[London Rayne]

I don't know if I agree that people who love the most hate the most, but moreso about people who are just passionate. I fought like hell with an ex...more than any other guy I had ever known, yet when we broke up he is the one I still hold most dear to my heart above all others. That includes 2 husbands lol.

I find that with comfortable, friendship type love, there is always that trend to get a bit TOO complacent and maybe a bit too loose if you will. I don't think a man should ever be in the bathroom when his wife is taking a dump lmao, nor do I want to shave a guy's back! I think if more people treated each other as they did during the courting process...only worrying about impressing the other, that marriages would last a lot longer.

Giving up self as a sacrifice for another person does not have to be to the extreme of losing your identity in them. It can be a compromise that both agree to in order to maintain a balance of who you are in yourself, and who you are within another person. I can tell you that true love will in fact leave a piece of you missing when that person leaves, but it doesen't mean you can't go on without them.

My best relationships were always with guys who fought with me the most...passionate people. I can't stand someone who is just blah all the time, with no emotions or reactions one way or the other, always willing to go with whatever, accept whatever, and never stand for anything in the process of trying to be so free.

I love a good argument because if he does not care enough to fight with you, he probably couldn't care less either way lol. I am not talking drag out fighting where things are thrown across the room, but a good yelling and neck clinching makes for an awesome make-up romp.

[charlestudor2005]

.

Originally Posted by London Rayne

I don't know if I agree that people who love the most hate the most, but moreso about people who are just passionate. I fought like hell with an ex...more than any other guy I had ever known, yet when we broke up he is the one I still hold most dear to my heart above all others. That includes 2 husbands lol.

Like they say, "you never forget your first love." I was young and naive with my first love. I didn't think she could love me so I never made the first move. But we were soooo close. Moonlit walks. Long talks. Exploring each other's dreams. One year, after spending the summer touring Europe, instead of heading home, I flew to her state and visited with her for a week. Looking back on it now, I think she was as much in love with me as I was with her. I have never forgotten her. She waited until very late in life to marry, and part of me (you know, the wishful thinking part) believes it was because she couldn't quite get over her first love.

I find that with comfortable, friendship type love, there is always that trend to get a bit TOO complacent and maybe a bit too loose if you will. I don't think a man should ever be in the bathroom when his wife is taking a dump lmao, nor do I want to shave a guy's back! I think if more people treated each other as they did during the courting process...only worrying about impressing the other, that marriages would last a lot longer.

As I'm sure you know by now, it's really hard to live in the same house without seeing all the warts. I agree with B&B (bathroom & back, lol), but I think it is really impossible to treat one another like you do during the courting process when you actually live together, knowing the warts (and the farts) and all. It is not hard to continue to treat a lady as a lady, but it is hard to continue to believe she is too delicate to take out the trash when, in fact, you've seen her do so. And when you're living together, you have different priorities: for instance, my SO doesn't mine me cleaning the house, she just wishes I could see the same dirt she sees. LOL. But she does mind me trying to fix something b/c if I pick up a tool, I'm bound to hurt myself. lol I think adjustments have to be made, but I don't think you can keep the same pre-marriage dating relationship.

Giving up self as a sacrifice for another person does not have to be to the extreme of losing your identity in them. It can be a compromise that both agree to in order to maintain a balance of who you are in yourself, and who you are within another person. I can tell you that true love will in fact leave a piece of you missing when that person leaves, but it doesen't mean you can't go on without them.

I definitely think this is easier for people who marry later in life and have established personal identities prior to marrying. I think those who marry really young (especially girls) tend to get lost in their spouse's identity.

My best relationships were always with guys who fought with me the most...passionate people. I can't stand someone who is just blah all the time, with no emotions or reactions one way or the other, always willing to go with whatever, accept whatever, and never stand for anything in the process of trying to be so free.

We must have one of the best relationships, LOL.

I love a good argument because if he does not care enough to fight with you, he probably couldn't care less either way lol. I am not talking drag out fighting where things are thrown across the room, but a good yelling and neck clinching makes for an awesome make-up romp.