The Importance of Keeping Your Individuality When Married

[Ansley]

Originally Posted by London Rayne

I love a good argument because if he does not care enough to fight with you, he probably couldn't care less either way lol. I am not talking drag out fighting where things are thrown across the room, but a good yelling and neck clinching makes for an awesome make-up romp.

Many years ago my ex husband and I had the yelling and neck clinching arguments. Then I had the same thing with a boyfriend. The next relationship was with a man that was very calm and patient. To this day I am grateful that he was put in my life to break a pattern of men that I chose to be involved with. I'll take that "peaceful easy feeling" from now on.

[London Rayne]

Well I must say it is nice to see a softer, more human side of you Charles. I guess no one really escapes heartbreak no matter how much they try to avoid it by keeping distant. Sometimes distance and never taking that chance, is what truly hurts the most.

[Rudyard K]

Neck Clinching? Yikes!! I'd expect to wake up in the burning bed.

And what kind of man grabs a woman by the neck?

[NinaBrooke]

Originally Posted by London Rayne

My best relationships were always with guys who fought with me the most...passionate people. I can't stand someone who is just blah all the time, with no emotions or reactions one way or the other, always willing to go with whatever, accept whatever, and never stand for anything in the process of trying to be so free.

I love a good argument because if he does not care enough to fight with you, he probably couldn't care less either way lol. I am not talking drag out fighting where things are thrown across the room, but a good yelling and neck clinching makes for an awesome make-up romp.

so true.

[charlestudor2005]

Originally Posted by Rudyard K

Neck Clinching? Yikes!! I'd expect to wake up in the burning bed.

And what kind of man grabs a woman by the neck?

Not speaking for London, but I think what she means is that your jaws are clenched and the veins on your neck stand out.

And if a man grabs a woman by the neck, he's not really a man.

[WTF]

Originally Posted by Rudyard K

And what kind of man grabs a woman by the neck?

Ain't enough meat on the neck, I go for the juicy thighs!

[NinaBrooke]

Originally Posted by Ansley

Many years ago my ex husband and I had the yelling and neck clinching arguments. Then I had the same thing with a boyfriend. The next relationship was with a man that was very calm and patient. To this day I am grateful that he was put in my life to break a pattern of men that I chose to be involved with. I'll take that "peaceful easy feeling" from now on.

I had also both and am thankful for both. For me the experience was exactly the opposite to yours: The calm and patient man, who was so ever understanding of whatever and never i had a single fight with him, however turned out to be a backstabber - in the long run - in my life. He was the person that hurt me the most of all in my life. It took me years to recover from what he did to me. (And everyone else around him for that matter)

[NinaBrooke]

Here`s an interesting video on the "dangers of positive thinking" and the " support groups". Its here about jobs and being laid off but i dare to state the same you can say about marriage and coupletherapy and what they are trying to sell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5um8...ayer_embedded#!

[Guest053011]

I admittedly like aggression in a man: however I like that aggression in the bedroom, done with loving passion.

Outside the bedroom I have no room in my life for anger or cruelty (wether spoken or in action). Lashing out at someone is a loveless action.

[Bebe Le Strange]

I was married for 10 years, then divorced. Then I ended up in a 2 year relationship with a man, and then after that relationship was over I ended up living with a man for almost 8 years. What I found in the experience of marriage and relationships is that you must not rely on your partner to make you happy, nor give up the things you have always enjoyed doing. It is very important to keep your individuality, like going out with your friends, making new ones, enjoying hobbies and doing what makes you happy. Within the relationship you can always enjoy your partner and do things together but your partner should not be the only one in your life, or the only one you do things with.

[WTF]

Originally Posted by Lauren Summerhill

Outside the bedroom I have no room in my life for anger or cruelty (wether spoken or in action). Lashing out at someone is a loveless action.

Yet you do it.

That is the paradox, people that do it to you either think they are justified in doing so or think they are not doing anything wrong. Just as you do. It is the big paradox of life. When more folks grasp this concept the world will be more understanding of others.

[Guest053011]

Originally Posted by ninasastri

I disagree that hedonism per se is materialistic, it can also be spiritual (if you believe in spirits)

Interestingly I have no opinion on whether we have "souls" in the mystical sense or not. It goes along with answering the question: Is there a God? The answer to either is, at least for now, unreachable, and does not one way or another change my choices. By saying "spiritual" I mean more that we are sentient beings, and as such, fulfillment (to me) is more then pleasure

Originally Posted by ninasastri

I think the society of obligations is putting people beyond the pure measurement of "roles" for a special society they have to fulfill

Thank goodness for that, it will be interesting to see how this evolves as generations pass.

There are - however- different streams in religions - one that are ascetic and ones that are pleasure-fulfillments, i do think something like responsible hedonism is catering to the less ascetic (askese - what s the word in english) parts of religious experiments. So your statement is - i think based on the asketic (non pleasure seeking religions) and not representable for the other relgions that enhance hedonism.

I agree that pleasure is absolutely essential to well being. However, a philosophy of pleasure alone is far too limiting for growth and the consideration of others.

Being of Pagan roots, I believe the answer always lies in the balance of opposing forces, and that all faiths deserve to be heard, even if not subscribed to.

They also are influenced by societal change and what was good therapy decades ago is not good therapy nowadays. Do i think therapists trigger change and its their great and creative idea to tell married partners to do things apart from each other?

Therapists are also bound to - or limited by - societies approach to topics. ANd instead of telling people to get a divorce or become polyamorous (not cheaters) they support the idea of life long marriages and are against divorce creatively trying to bring no matter how screwed up ideas into the therapy room to keep couples together.

I would have to disagree with this sentiment. I believe therapy can cause damage, but it has enormous potential for good. Not all therapists are mindless products of their education and society. It comes down to the therapist. Upon the discovery that I was and escort at the age of 18, I was dragged into therapy.

The therapist supported my choice, reminding my family that being gay was once illegal. That a law being in existence does not make an act in and of itself wrong, that my sexual and financial life is private as it is for any other citizen in society.

I have also three times met gentlemen who started to hobby when their therapist suggested it as an outlet for sexual pleasure and for a chance to have fun, and laugh and take care of the needs their partner could not.

I have endlessly heard men state that their couples counsellor or individual therapist tell them to end a marriage because it was hopeless.

How long was your longest relationship , Lauren? Why did it break? What was the normative context of said relationships? Heteronormativity, polyamory, Cheating? so i mean - i personally am all for the flaws of reality. Speaking words of wisdom that a book has written is much easier than living :-)

Intimate questions of a forum, and thus I'll assume they are rhetorical

I definitely agree that the culture of self help books is venomous. I haven't ever read one - my sibling for a short time became addicted and it was nauseating to hear him speak after a while, he knew all the lingo and was absorbed by the absurdity of "thinking positive". I also can't say I've ever read a therapists book. I have a great fascination with psychology, but pop-psychology is not to my taste. The Dr. Phil's of the world be damned.

I get the sense that you believe I'm someone who depends on therapeutic literature - which is far from true. I am merely curious about the interesting new trends in the papers I see, suggesting that the individual is an important aspect of the relationship - which is quite different from the traditional take on matters.

Reality is endless with it's flaws, as are the book we read. However, the ones I read are not the working of popular culture - some works have survived for a miraculously long time, because they contain within them words that are worth digesting - regardless of what your end conclusion is.

I do enjoy your posts

[London Rayne]

No I meant literally grabbing me by the neck lol. How else do you stop a drunken crazed person from punching you while driving lol. Love HIM! I don't think I have ever been really hit by a man, but I did get a slap in the face once and loved it. I like a man who puts me in my place being I am so dominant and aggressive most of the time. Now, abuse I won't deal with and I am always packing, but I mean just passion that drives you insane!

[Guest053011]

WTF, how you love to try and entice conflict. I'm not terribly interested in hearing you speak to me about unkind behaviour. Save your word games for others.

[charlestudor2005]

Originally Posted by Lauren Summerhill

behaviour

@Lauren, and others raised on the Queen's English. I love the occasional dip into this spelling. It makes me want to hear the accent, also.