A joke for the day

[Gimli]

A man with a 25-inch willy went to the doctor and said,”I can’t live like this anymore — it’s just too long!” The doctor replied, “I can’t help you... but there’s a witch doctor down in the bayou who might.” So off he went.The witch doctor told him,”Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. When she says no, you’ll instantly lose five inches.”He found the frog and asked,”Will you marry me?” “NO,” said the frog. Poof! Five inches gone. 😳 Pleased with the results, he thought, 20 inches is still a bit much. So he asked again,”Will you marry me?” “NO.” Poof! Down to 15 inches.He smiled. Almost perfect... but 10 inches would be ideal. He asked once more,”Will you marry me?”The frog snapped,”How many times do I have to tell you... NO! NO! NO!” 😂🤣

[frankbuck24]

An 86-year-old man is watching TV when the doorbell rings. He shakes his, head, grunts will struggling to his feet, and heads to the door.


Opening the door, he finds a stunningly beautiful young woman standing there. "I'm her to give you super sex," she says.


He looks her up and down and thinks for a moment before saying: "I'll take the soup."

[Dane4040]

In a forest, a birch tree and a pine tree grew next to each other. One day A sapling grew up between them. The birch tree nodded at the sapling and said, that’s my son! The pine tree retorted, no,no, no, that’s MY son! And the argument continued for a couple years till one day a wood pecker came fliting through the forest and landed on the pine tree and started pecking away. The pine tree says to the bird, hey buddy, how would you like to do us a favor. He says what’s that? The pine tree says just fly down on that little sapling down there and peck on it a bit, and tell us if it is a birch tree or a pine tree. The bird says that sounds reasonable enough, so he does, flys down to the sapling and pecks on it a bit. Right away the pine tree says, he’s a pine tree right? That’s my son. The birch tree says no friggin way, he’s a birch tree, that’s my son right.

The woodpecker says, no, no no you guys got it all wrong! That’s the the best little piece of ash I’ve had my pecker into in a looong time!

Feel free to groan…..I did! LOL

[chilivega]

I once dated a pair of twins. People always asked how I could tell them apart. It was easy: Mary painted her fingernails purple and Bob had a cock.

[DallasRain]

Originally Posted by chilivega

I once dated a pair of twins. People always asked how I could tell them apart. It was easy: Mary painted her fingernails purple and Bob had a cock.

[DallasRain]

Forgiving Your Enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches."

[Starman329]

An older man and a younger man get into a car accident. One car is on its roof with the front smashed in and the other car is ripped in half. Both of them are able to free themselves and discover that beyond a couple of bruises and cuts, they are both physically ok.

The older man realizes just how lucky they are and says to the younger man “This was a miracle! Neither one of us should be alive. Help me get my trunk open.”

They are able to pry it open and the old man rummages through the trunk for a few seconds and pulls out a wooden box. He opens it and shows the younger man that it contains a 50 year old bottle of scotch.

“My father gave this to me when I graduated high school 49 years ago. At the time, this was the top of the line most expensive scotch you could buy. He told me to drink it only on special occasions. As you can see, it’s never been opened. I think we should crack it open and celebrate that we didn’t die in this accident!”

The younger man, still visibly shaken, but mentally still sound, replies “You know what? You’re right! This could have ended much worse for both of us.”

The older man opens the bottle and hands it to the younger man who takes a long slow drink from the bottle. He then goes to hand it back and says “Thank you but you probably should have had the first drink since you’ve had it for so long. I apologize.”

The old man looks at him and says “Don’t worry about it. I think I’ll wait for my turn after the cops are done with us.”

[Dane4040]

A young newlywed we’d couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said we have a special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for 2 weeks. The couple agreed. When they came back in 2 weeks, the pastor asked if they had been able to get through the 2 weeks without being intimate.

The man answered im afraid we didn’t make it the whole 2 weeks. The pastor asked what happened. The man explained they only had 2 days to go, but then my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up I was overcome by lust and took her right then and there.

The pastor says im sorry my son but you won’t be allowed to join the congregation. The guy says, that’s OK we’re not allowed in the grocery store anymore either.

[Dane4040]

Just read one that cracked me up:

Two nuns are riding around the backstreets of Rome. One nun says to the other, “ You know, I’ve never come this way before”

Second nun says “must be the cobblestones.”

[Gimli]

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."