Advice Needed re Gay Daughter

[JohnMacnab]

My daughter is 21. She still lives at home. She has a good job but only works part time, her choice. Working full time would cut into her Roller Derby involvement. She could work full time if she wanted to. She is gay. Recently she has been having her long term GF stay over night in her bedroom. They usually stay in there until very late in the morning. Then they sit around our breakfast table drinking coffee in their sleep clothes and chatting.

I would never have allowed my son to do this with a GF when he was still living at home.

Should I drop the hammer or should I tell my wife to put a stop to it. My daughter and I are not very close but she has a good relationship with my wife.

Just to be clear, I have no hang-ups with her being gay, and don't think less of her for her sexual preference.

[guest010313]

If the rule is no overnights/sex in your house then enforce it. And if she tries to play the "you just don't like it because I'm gay" card, remind her of her brother's rules.

This might be the impetus she needs to get her own place.

[Sensia]

Originally Posted by SillyGirl

If the rule is no overnights/sex in your house then enforce it. And if she tries to play the "you just don't like it because I'm gay" card, remind her of her brother's rules.

This might be the impetus she needs to get her own place.

I agree, why should she have preferential treatment? I would talk it over with your wife first, then the two of you should do the enforcing together as a united front.

As a mom, (a bisexual mom), this is exactly what I would do. It has nothing to do with the fact that they are both girls, or even gay. It has to do with respecting the rules in the house they live in.

Good luck to you John!

[JohnMacnab]

Originally Posted by Guilty Pleasures

I agree, why should she have preferential treatment? I would talk it over with your wife first, then the two of you should do the enforcing together as a united front.

As a mom, (a bisexual mom), this is exactly what I would do. It has nothing to do with the fact that they are both girls, or even gay. It has to do with respecting the rules in the house they live in.

Good luck to you John!

Thanks GP. I was hoping you would weigh in here on this.

[Mature Companion]

You may not like what I'm about to say. But you put forth your family issue so I'm going to give my input.

YOUR the DAD! Regardless IF you don't have a close relationship with your daughter. You still make the rules & pay the bills and she is your daughter and therefore you need to step up to the plate and be a dad and put forth your rules to her and her GF and NOT shove it off to your wife to handle. Rather you both sit down with your daughter and her GF together and express what you expect from your daughter and her friends.


It's one thing to be a live in parent. It's another thing to be a hands on parent who put their foot down where rules and boundaries are concerned in your home.

Not to mention. She's 21 and seems lazy (per what you put forth). Which from an outsider. She's being allowed to do so, under your roof. She's old enough to get a job and a place of her own.

So if you don't like it. As her father, DO something about it and stand firm on it.
And then do what you can to repair your relationship with your daughter. The more stern & firm you are the more you might find her respecting you & growing closer to you.


Good luck.

Originally Posted by JohnMacnab

My daughter is 21. She still lives at home. She has a good job but only works part time, her choice. Working full time would cut into her Roller Derby involvement. She could work full time if she wanted to. She is gay. Recently she has been having her long term GF stay over night in her bedroom. They usually stay in there until very late in the morning. Then they sit around our breakfast table drinking coffee in their sleep clothes and chatting.

I would never have allowed my son to do this with a GF when he was still living at home.

Should I drop the hammer or should I tell my wife to put a stop to it. My daughter and I are not very close but she has a good relationship with my wife.

Just to be clear, I have no hang-ups with her being gay, and don't think less of her for her sexual preference.

[SoonerBorn]

As a father of 3 girls, I wholeheartedly agree with what the ladies have said. Take the gay card out of the deck, it is inconsequential. The facts are that she is 21 years old, living at home and is not full time at anything (work or school). If she wants to be treated as an adult, i.e I can do anything I want such as sleep away half the day, have my GF spend the night, etc, then she should act as an adult and get her own place. If she wants to be a child, evidenced by not paying bills and having little or no responsibility, then she lives under the rules of the children at your house which includes no overnight romantic guests.
You and your wife are not her friends, you are her parents. Act like her parents, establish your boundaries and give her a choice. I have had my share of struggles with my kids, I am actually going through one right now, but they know that I love them by holding them accountable. They may not like it and it may be uncomfortable, but our relationship grows because of it.

One Dad to another, good luck and Happy Father's Day

[Krunkman]

Don't have kids, but you shouldn't treat your daughter any better (or worse) than your son. If you don't allow him sleepovers, then she shouldn't get any either.

Of course, if they are being platonic, that kind of alters the story. But if they are gf/gf, then the odds of that are slim.

I agree with what the others said - take being gay out of the equation. It's simply a matter of having her significant other sleeping over regularly that is bothering you. Would be different if it was a regular thing. But there's no need to raise the gay issue.

[guest043013-2]

I agree with the sentiments of all above, but have to ask?

Do you really think a silly little whore board is the place to come ask for parenting advice? It always worries me that we (society in general) don't have a mechanism, a person, whatever, that we can confide in and must turn to total and virtual strangers to get advice about real world issues.

Not meant to be an attack on the OP, more of an observation of how society has reached a point that we trust total strangers for advice on something that is very personal in nature.

(I realize that there were some special circumstances (gay daughter) that might have made this a bit touchy for discussion around the water cooler.)

[ElisabethWhispers]

I know what you're saying, tigercat, but I have brought a lot of issues to a "whore board" in the past and well, it's been very beneficial.

I know we are who we are, but that doesn't denote that the majority of us here are caring and open minded individuals. Along with that, many of the members, if not most, are professional people that just get out of their comfort zones every once in awhile (grin) and see working girls.

It doesn't degrade their ability to offer sound advice.

I would probably take a softer approach. Speak with her. Admit that you're slightly uncomfortable talking about this but NOT because of the gay issue but because of her friend spending the night.

Of course, this is a woman's way of looking at things, or rather my opinion only. Being gay is really tough for a young person. Since she does feel comfortable in your household, I would find it tough to kick her out, which is something that I don't believe that I could do with a child.

Again, it's a softer view. But I would start discussing it with your wife, which you've probably already done, and then go ahead and discuss it with your daughter. Life is about change, anyway.

And how does her involvement in Roller Derby has to do with all of this in terms of not working full time? I understand what the others are saying, though. And for me, I tend to agree with them but I also wish to offer a different viewpoint.

In my experience, parents are always changing rules for different siblings. I know it's uncomfortable to talk about sexuality with your daughter. Or I would THINK that it is. But that's my nickel advice for you this afternoon.

Good luck!
Elisabeth

[Mature Companion]

Regardless of what *site* he asked for advice on. It still stands to reason that many of us are parents and in some point in our lives, needed to reach out to others for advice.
Sure, *maybe* an adult sex site is not the most ideal of places to ask.
But neither is talking about politics, biker rally's, poker games etc etc.

In fact, there's a wealth of (all kinds) of information that can be gained from the masses of folks on this site.
So in my minds eye. It's OK to ask for said advice on this site. Nothing wrong with it.
Just not in the Realm forum (rather more the sandbox forum) as it doesn't pertain to the hobby itself.

Originally Posted by tigercat

I agree with the sentiments of all above, but have to ask?

Do you really think a silly little whore board is the place to come ask for parenting advice? It always worries me that we (society in general) don't have a mechanism, a person, whatever, that we can confide in and must turn to total and virtual strangers to get advice about real world issues.

Not meant to be an attack on the OP, more of an observation of how society has reached a point that we trust total strangers for advice on something that is very personal in nature.

(I realize that there were some special circumstances (gay daughter) that might have made this a bit touchy for discussion around the water cooler.)

[guest043013-2]

I guess my comments were just to point out that it seems a bit strange to come here for personal advice. I have done it, many others have done it. And, surprisingly, I must tell you that the advice offered in most cases is actually very good. While there are a lot of hard core people here with perspectives on life that I would never see eye-to-eye with, the people on this board (and back in ASPD's day) do respond with answers that show we are a caring bunch, no matter how far out of the main stream we may seem.

A certain friend of mine and Elizabeth's often talked to me of this place as a 'family' that needs to look after each other, and we do a pretty good job of that. I think that 'those people on the outside looking in' would find this group to be a pretty odd family of characters.

Back to the original post, it still seems the advice is pretty consistent.

[Iaintliein]

Originally Posted by tigercat

I guess my comments were just to point out that it seems a bit strange to come here for personal advice. I have done it, many others have done it. And, surprisingly, I must tell you that the advice offered in most cases is actually very good. While there are a lot of hard core people here with perspectives on life that I would never see eye-to-eye with, the people on this board (and back in ASPD's day) do respond with answers that show we are a caring bunch, no matter how far out of the main stream we may seem.

A certain friend of mine and Elizabeth's often talked to me of this place as a 'family' that needs to look after each other, and we do a pretty good job of that. I think that 'those people on the outside looking in' would find this group to be a pretty odd family of characters.

Back to the original post, it still seems the advice is pretty consistent.

I think this board is a very, very broad cross section of society, and filled with people who are not particularly intimidated by life nor shy to talk about it. It is also a somewhat neutral site. Had the OP asked on a Phycology site (assuming they exist), he'd likely have been advised to "seek counseling", had it been a religious site, well, no telling. But here, there is no "I am a hammer so your problem must be a nail," component.

There are folks here I'd listen to, and folks I wouldn't but overall, most fall in between, tending toward the former.

Consistency with adult children is always to be sought, unanimity with the spouse can be difficult to obtain though. Who knows, if you approach it right (you, not the wife), you may be able to get her a little closer by treating her like her bubba.

[RALPHEY BOY]

like my old man would say: Until you start payng the bills you do not have say in this household!!!

[berkleigh]

You can not allow one child to do it but you did not allow the other.

You can't show favortism. You will hear it from the other child.

You should have a talk with your wife and daughter AND the GF enforcing the rules.

You are the parent, she is the child. There are rules for a reason.
You can't be their best friend, they will lose respect.

[DallasRain]

I feel that you should have same standars or rules for daughter as you do son