How common is it for fear of rejection to be the primary reason a man utilizes escorts?

[AdventurousMouse]

Every client has a primary reason of why he uses escorts.

After thinking on it, I realized my primary reason is my crippling fear of rejection.

It's sad really. I have decent looks (and could probably get laid the traditional way if it weren't for my fear of rejection causing me to sideline myself)

Thanks to the fact I'm petrified to approach a woman, all my sex for the past 9 years has come from escorts (with the exception of a one night stand in 2021)

I recall a time when an escort, upon arrival, really gave me the 3rd degree about making sure I wasn't a cop. In retrospect, I think I know why she had strong suspicions I was a sting: She probably couldn't fathom why a man with my looks would buy sex.

[Amy Adams Atx]

We all have our issues. I’ve never been on a dating site and don’t know how to date as I just focused on raising my children and providing as a single mom. As weird as it sounds, I was scared to death I might meet someone who might try to be mean to my children and I didn’t want them seeing me with different men. I’ve always kept it a secret and compartmentalized it. Now, I’m older and have empty nest and don’t know how to navigate dating and working in this industry.

I wouldn’t or couldn’t keep a secret and just don’t think a relationship would work while I’m a provider, so I just date professionally! lol.

All those dating sites seem like they would be hell to weed through. It’s sad that people don’t meet each other traditionally anymore. All this technology stuff alienated people, I think. Maybe try therapy?! Couldn’t hurt. But who am I to give any advice!

[Ripmany]

It just easier like going to store. We could just knock random doors and call town perv. Or call escorts pay them 80 and hope you î get luckly. Do what you can get good pussy odds.

[CPT Savajo]

It seems that you're a little insecure about approaching women. Getting rejected sucks in the vanilla world of dating but the more you try the higher you'll raise your odds that some chick will say yes. The reason I use escorts is because the women are down to fuck, skip the pleasantries, and no strings attached.
About a month ago I got rejected by a provider for whatever reason while in the process of setting up a date. It kinda hurt because I've been wanting to see this lady for over a year now and this is the second time I got the cold shoulder but I still respect the woman and would love to see her.

[CPT Savajo]

Originally Posted by Amy Adams Atx

I wouldn’t or couldn’t keep a secret and just don’t think a relationship would work while I’m a provider, so I just date professionally! lol.

All those dating sites seem like they would be hell to weed through. It’s sad that people don’t meet each other traditionally anymore. All this technology stuff alienated people, I think.

Interesting thought in regards to relationships and being a provider. A little over a year ago I became a secret admirer to a provider who's on this board. When I first seen her at her job in her public life I noticed her and was attracted to her instantly. Catching glimpses of her over a year I grew fond of her. I don't want to approach her at her job because it would be breaking a boundary rule and would be a social error on my part. I had absolutely no idea she was a provider 100% in the beginning. A little later on is when I discovered her secret life that she was an escort and she's beautiful. I first reached out to her in Nov 2023 and got the cold shoulder even though she did respond to me, I tried again in Nov 2024 and got the cold shoulder a second time which stung a little lol. It would have been nice if she would have invited me into her Dungeon of Love. I wanted to confess to her that I was her secret admirer but I never got the chance. I revealed my real name to her so I wouldn't come off as some crazy stalker. I never thought in a million years I could ever grow fond of and be attracted to an escort but it happend. She knows I know of her secret life as an escort and I think that's why she doesn't want me as a client. I wish I could meet her and I am thinking about writing a story about it in the Main Discussion Forum called "Secret Admirer A Tale of Lust." This woman has been in my head for well over a year.

[AdventurousMouse]

Originally Posted by Amy Adams Atx

We all have our issues. I’ve never been on a dating site and don’t know how to date as I just focused on raising my children and providing as a single mom. As weird as it sounds, I was scared to death I might meet someone who might try to be mean to my children and I didn’t want them seeing me with different men. I’ve always kept it a secret and compartmentalized it. Now, I’m older and have empty nest and don’t know how to navigate dating and working in this industry.

I wouldn’t or couldn’t keep a secret and just don’t think a relationship would work while I’m a provider, so I just date professionally! lol.

All those dating sites seem like they would be hell to weed through. It’s sad that people don’t meet each other traditionally anymore. All this technology stuff alienated people, I think. Maybe try therapy?! Couldn’t hurt. But who am I to give any advice!

I had some degree of success on dating sites in my early 20s (but I also had some frustrations on dating sites, which took a major toll on my mental health)

From age 25 onward, no luck whatsoever on dating sites.

Agreed, it's sad hardly any couples meet traditionally anymore. Technology has made it so that couples don't have to meet traditionally.

Another factor is the fact it's become increasingly common in the past decade for men to be told "Never approach a woman. If you approach a woman, you're a creep."

^ For a man like me, who was already afraid to approach a woman to begin with, imagine the impact it will have on me when I repeatedly hear that message.

As for therapy, I did therapy (female therapist) in summer of 2023. She turned out to be of no use.

Then I utilized a male therapist in summer of 2024. I went to him in the hopes of solving all sorts of issues. He did wonders on one issue we covered. He was of no help for my phobia of approaching a woman, however.

[AdventurousMouse]

Originally Posted by CPT Savajo

It seems that you're a little insecure about approaching women. Getting rejected sucks in the vanilla world of dating but the more you try the higher you'll raise your odds that some chick will say yes. The reason I use escorts is because the women are down to fuck, skip the pleasantries, and no strings attached.
About a month ago I got rejected by a provider for whatever reason while in the process of setting up a date. It kinda hurt because I've been wanting to see this lady for over a year now and this is the second time I got the cold shoulder but I still respect the woman and would love to see her.

A lot of men might succeed through the strategy of "Ask out more girls. The more ask outs you do, the better your luck will end up being."

For me, that's not the case. When I was in middle school and high school, none of the girls I expressed interest in at school were into me.

College wasn't much better. Of all the girls I expressed interest in from class, only one accepted my offer. She turned out to be so strange (and so unbearable to be around), I had to dump her after a week.

A majority of my luck (when it comes to dates) has come from online. Other than the girl I just mentioned from class in college, there have only been 2 other instances where I got a date from a woman I met organically in person:

1. When I was 26, I got a date from a woman approaching me. There was no sex (and no 2nd date)

2. When I was 32, I got a date (from a woman I met in person) that just sort of happened (with neither party officially making the move). There was no sex, no 2nd date, and the woman ended up hating me less than a week after our first date.

As hard as it is for me to get dates from a woman, another thing that's hard for me is keeping the woman.

I like utilizing escorts because:

1) I know I'm getting sex
2) I know the escort will continue getting with me as long as I give her money

I've been rejected by providers too. Outsiders (by "outsiders," I mean men who have never been with an escort) think getting rejected by an escort is way more embarrassing than getting rejected by a non-escort. I disagree. If I get rejected by a provider, at least I know I can easily find another provider. On the other hand, if I get rejected by a non-escort, finding another non-escort is a gargantuan challenge (for me at least)

[AdventurousMouse]

Originally Posted by CPT Savajo

Interesting thought in regards to relationships and being a provider. A little over a year ago I became a secret admirer to a provider who's on this board. When I first seen her at her job in her public life I noticed her and was attracted to her instantly. Catching glimpses of her over a year I grew fond of her. I don't want to approach her at her job because it would be breaking a boundary rule and would be a social error on my part. I had absolutely no idea she was a provider 100% in the beginning. A little later on is when I discovered her secret life that she was an escort and she's beautiful. I first reached out to her in Nov 2023 and got the cold shoulder even though she did respond to me, I tried again in Nov 2024 and got the cold shoulder a second time which stung a little lol. It would have been nice if she would have invited me into her Dungeon of Love. I wanted to confess to her that I was her secret admirer but I never got the chance. I revealed my real name to her so I wouldn't come off as some crazy stalker. I never thought in a million years I could ever grow fond of and be attracted to an escort but it happend. She knows I know of her secret life as an escort and I think that's why she doesn't want me as a client. I wish I could meet her and I am thinking about writing a story about it in the Main Discussion Forum called "Secret Admirer A Tale of Lust." This woman has been in my head for well over a year.

The fact you know her outside of escorting is most likely why she's refused to get with you.

A provider mentioned to me she's refused to get with a guy who contacted her (after he discovered her ad) because they know each other on a personal level.

[FightFan]

I am a hobbyist because variety without commitment is readily available. I am single however do not want the grind of a traditional relationship.

Do you think we are all hideous looking trolls? Many hobbyists are above average looking and have athletic physiques. Earning significant incomes with above average IQs. Not to mention having the sexual prowess to give seasoned providers multiple orgasms. We are sexually active normal guys with the desire for sexual variety. Many are happily married but crave the passion and excitement of a new lover. We crave sexual experiences our significant other is incapable or unwilling to provide.

Your nervous energy triggered the provider for further LE checks not your looks. I am sure you were not the best looking nor the worst looking John she has serviced.

[AdventurousMouse]

Originally Posted by FightFan

I am a hobbyist because variety without commitment is readily available. I am single however do not want the grind of a traditional relationship.

Do you think we are all hideous looking trolls? Many hobbyists are above average looking and have athletic physiques. Earning significant incomes with above average IQs. Not to mention having the sexual prowess to give seasoned providers multiple orgasms. We are sexually active normal guys with the desire for sexual variety. Many are happily married but crave the passion and excitement of a new lover. We crave sexual experiences our significant other is incapable or unwilling to provide.

Your nervous energy triggered the provider for further LE checks not your looks. I am sure you were not the best looking nor the worst looking John she has serviced.

All I can speak for are my own personal reasons for utilizing escorts. I never gave much thought to the reasons other men might utilize escorts (nor had I given much thought to the looks level of clients)

When they show mugshots of men getting caught in stings, the Johns don't tend to be anything special in terms of looks (Then again, that might be a somewhat misleading sample, as it only shows us the men who are dumb enough to get caught in a sting)

I went through a stretch in my younger days when I liked the variety I could get from escorts. At this point, however, I'd gladly be faithful to one partner if I had the opportunity.

I'm aware it's possible for a client to give a provider an orgasm. I myself have made a provider climax before (there are certain "tells" of an orgasm that can't be faked, no matter how much the critics of our hobby insist any escort who claims to climax is lying)

I've been nervous with certain providers before. The provider who really gave me the 3rd degree, I wasn't nervous with. Perhaps I should have mentioned she was a low class provider (basically only one step above a street walker). She might have been skeptical of why a man like me was getting with a provider like her.

[LadyAnastasia]

This is an incredible perspective �� I completely understand your fears.

I have dated, failed and have now I romanticize my own life within the hobby world. Problem solved. No one said we are mentally sane here.

[cinderbella]

I sure do understand how you feel.
I grew up in Southern California. I loved the beach, I swam in the surf, explored the tide pools, etc. I always thought I was ugly, because I had pasty white skin that never tanned. My hair is thick and curly, with a reddish sheen. I have a shorter torso and no hips, so I looked terrible in a string bikini. I was surrounded by females who were built like supermodels, their skin tanned like leather and their hair grew out strait and long. My boobs are huge, all the hotties in southern California are flat chested or small cups.

I am naturally attracted to well educated men. I had relationships with a few, but after two years they would lose interest. Then I started doing this. Over 14 yrs. ago, a man answered my ad on Backpage. When he visited me, I did not care one bit what he thought of me. Never crossed my mind that I would see him again. He is the most successful, longest and best relationship that I have ever had. He accepts me, I accept him.

We were both much older when we met. Had sex within minutes of speaking to each other for the first time. Crazy, but true. I would not trade these wonderful years of knowing him for anything. If I would have cared, or felt like he wasn't interested somehow, I probably would have lost him, through no fault of his. I never joined a dating app, but if I saw his profile, not knowing him, I would assume that we had nothing in common.

[AdventurousMouse]

Originally Posted by cinderbella

I sure do understand how you feel.
I grew up in Southern California. I loved the beach, I swam in the surf, explored the tide pools, etc. I always thought I was ugly, because I had pasty white skin that never tanned. My hair is thick and curly, with a reddish sheen. I have a shorter torso and no hips, so I looked terrible in a string bikini. I was surrounded by females who were built like supermodels, their skin tanned like leather and their hair grew out strait and long. My boobs are huge, all the hotties in southern California are flat chested or small cups.

I am naturally attracted to well educated men. I had relationships with a few, but after two years they would lose interest. Then I started doing this. Over 14 yrs. ago, a man answered my ad on Backpage. When he visited me, I did not care one bit what he thought of me. Never crossed my mind that I would see him again. He is the most successful, longest and best relationship that I have ever had. He accepts me, I accept him.

We were both much older when we met. Had sex within minutes of speaking to each other for the first time. Crazy, but true. I would not trade these wonderful years of knowing him for anything. If I would have cared, or felt like he wasn't interested somehow, I probably would have lost him, through no fault of his. I never joined a dating app, but if I saw his profile, not knowing him, I would assume that we had nothing in common.

There's this one provider I've gotten with many times over the past 8 years. We've developed the type of repertoire where she reaches out to me to talk about personal stuff.

Yet the longest I've been able to keep a non-escort woman was 8 months (I met her online; the breakup was my decision)

I have no doubt the only reason the provider I've been getting with for 8 years still wants to get with me is the fact I pay her.

[cinderbella]

Originally Posted by AdventurousMouse

There's this one provider I've gotten with many times over the past 8 years. We've developed the type of repertoire where she reaches out to me to talk about personal stuff.

Yet the longest I've been able to keep a non-escort woman was 8 months (I met her online; the breakup was my decision)

I have no doubt the only reason the provider I've been getting with for 8 years still wants to get with me is the fact I pay her.

Oh, okay. For starters, many women ( including myself) have never been high income wage earners. Women also tend to be caretakers of some sort. Our own children, or children of relatives, our elderly/disabled, etc. Women in higher income brackets, tend to either have others help with caregiving and more support in their lives, overall.

Single men fearing that they are financially taken advantage of by women, are actually more common than you would think. There are men out there, all ages and back rounds, many of whom work very hard, and receive fat paychecks. You are not the first man who holds the thoughts about yourself, hookers and women in general, as far as money and affection go.

Money is grease. Money is in shorter supply, the need for it far outweighs the supply. People become creative in their pursuit for it.

I would look at, if I were you, videos on YouTube posted by therapists, there are tons out there. I wonder if you are experiencing a feeling that began when you were growing up. That influences our relationships and our inner thought process, as adults. I have had to do that work myself, in order to understand myself better.

You also may be experiencing, or filtering thru the lens of your own being, a common experience that people who find themselves taking care of a relative or family member, who was once a functioning adult, now helpless and in need of constant care and supervision. The able bodied caregiver starts out gung ho, they are going to do this because they love this person and they refuse to entrust their care to someone or somewhere else. As the person dependent on the care, worsens and gets increasingly difficult to care for, the caregiver gets seriously burned out and depressed. This is because nothing positive occurs, they take care of this person 24/7, but the person needing care, their condition intensifies and worsens.

This is because people look for a positive change when they begin a relationship or a partnership. In your case, you do not see the woman ever declining your financial gift. Perhaps you were secretly hoping that she would suddenly reach out and ask for you personally, not wanting anything but your uncompensated company. I don't know. I'm just throwing this out there. If you want to rehabilitate a known prostitute or paid companion, into not needing or wanting any money from you, you are looking in the wrong place. Or, you could swallow your pride and communicate your feelings with her. Maybe you could have a 'This is what I would accept from you, or what are you willing to accept from me?'. There is also an old saying that rings true, Never look a gift horse in the mouth. That means, stop over analyzing or questioning a good thing. I am reminded of an old song by Billy Joel, 'Honesty'. The words to that song are accurate.

I recommend you start with the guy whose face you see in your mirror everyday. He has to get to know himself better. And then I would look for a woman who may not be as hot or young as you would like, but she can support herself and she is wanting to be loved and in a relationship with someone like you. That is all I can think of to tell you. Best wishes, adulting is hard. Like the Rolling Stones song, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.".

[AdventurousMouse]

Originally Posted by cinderbella

Oh, okay. For starters, many women ( including myself) have never been high income wage earners. Women also tend to be caretakers of some sort. Our own children, or children of relatives, our elderly/disabled, etc. Women in higher income brackets, tend to either have others help with caregiving and more support in their lives, overall.

Single men fearing that they are financially taken advantage of by women, are actually more common than you would think. There are men out there, all ages and back rounds, many of whom work very hard, and receive fat paychecks. You are not the first man who holds the thoughts about yourself, hookers and women in general, as far as money and affection go.

Money is grease. Money is in shorter supply, the need for it far outweighs the supply. People become creative in their pursuit for it.

I would look at, if I were you, videos on YouTube posted by therapists, there are tons out there. I wonder if you are experiencing a feeling that began when you were growing up. That influences our relationships and our inner thought process, as adults. I have had to do that work myself, in order to understand myself better.

You also may be experiencing, or filtering thru the lens of your own being, a common experience that people who find themselves taking care of a relative or family member, who was once a functioning adult, now helpless and in need of constant care and supervision. The able bodied caregiver starts out gung ho, they are going to do this because they love this person and they refuse to entrust their care to someone or somewhere else. As the person dependent on the care, worsens and gets increasingly difficult to care for, the caregiver gets seriously burned out and depressed. This is because nothing positive occurs, they take care of this person 24/7, but the person needing care, their condition intensifies and worsens.

This is because people look for a positive change when they begin a relationship or a partnership. In your case, you do not see the woman ever declining your financial gift. Perhaps you were secretly hoping that she would suddenly reach out and ask for you personally, not wanting anything but your uncompensated company. I don't know. I'm just throwing this out there. If you want to rehabilitate a known prostitute or paid companion, into not needing or wanting any money from you, you are looking in the wrong place. Or, you could swallow your pride and communicate your feelings with her. Maybe you could have a 'This is what I would accept from you, or what are you willing to accept from me?'. There is also an old saying that rings true, Never look a gift horse in the mouth. That means, stop over analyzing or questioning a good thing. I am reminded of an old song by Billy Joel, 'Honesty'. The words to that song are accurate.

I recommend you start with the guy whose face you see in your mirror everyday. He has to get to know himself better. And then I would look for a woman who may not be as hot or young as you would like, but she can support herself and she is wanting to be loved and in a relationship with someone like you. That is all I can think of to tell you. Best wishes, adulting is hard. Like the Rolling Stones song, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.".

I'm not necessarily saying every woman is a gold digger. And I certainly don't think being an escort automatically makes one a gold digger. You charge for sex because it's your job (just like I get paid by my employer for the work I do)

I'm not looking to rehabilitate the escort into wanting to be with me non-transactionally. When I say the only reason she's continued getting with me all these years is because I pay her, what I mean is it doesn't matter if I do/say the "wrong" thing; she'll still want to be with me because her only requirement is that I pay her (she ultimately doesn't give a damn about whether I'm her ideal type)

On the other hand, a woman I'm with non-transactionally will lose interest in me if I say/do even one "wrong" thing.

Past experience most certainly explains a lot. The fact no girls I expressed interest in when I was in middle school/high school were into me set me down a long path of failure.