Using BDSM as an excuse for assault

[Guest040113-02]

http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?t=275928

Thought this thread was worth noting for the inhabitants of the Realm.

There are so many warning signs I see in the provider's description of the date & especially the negotiation--or lack there of. The very fact that terms like "safe word", risk-aware consensual kink (RACK), nor "safe, sane, & consensual" were never discussed shows me that this was no D/s scene, it was just plain old assault while using the guise of BDSM as an excuse.

I can beat someone with my flogger until she cries, is a bloody mess, and spends an hour in subspace... and be thanked profusely after if that was the scene we negotiated. Or I can do the same thing & go to jail if it is not.

My main take away is that people who present themselves as "Dom's" & act like this give all of us who practice BDSM a bad name. And it sure makes it that much less likely that this provider or any other is going to accept a D/s role play date again anytime soon.

[Krunkman]

From what I read on the thread, the scene was not negotiated and thus the resulting fallout. From my time in the lifestyle, this sort of thing is not restricted to just providers, but to anyone that engages in lifestyle and/or kinky sex.

Clearly mistakes were made on her part. I'm sure that her need for cash and inexperience did not help. From her description of what she was doing to hurt her throat, I would assume that she was afraid of stopping things when it became uncomfortable (physically or mentally). But she didn't. Hindsight is always 20/20, however.

The good thing is that she learned a very valuable lesson without being hurt. It's best to learn those sorts of things prior to something like this, but alas sometimes that's just not in the cards.

And you are right, there are abusers who hide behind the dom persona. It's unfortunate, but a reality nonetheless.

[RickO'shayRabbitt]

Yes, she was a bit naive. But pretending that "safe" words are an all-compassing pass to security is BS. I don't care if you are a Dom or a Domme, when you are in charge of a scene you should be aware and checking for non-verbal clues that the sub is OK and enjoying the scene. Gagging and crying are pretty obvious clues to anyone with an IQ in double figures that she was in distress.

Only caveat I would put on these comments is that if you are doing a scene with someone you know very, very well and have played with previously on numerous occasions the boundaries could be stretched.

There was no excuse for this guy's lack of concern and compassion for this lady. Yes, maybe the scene loses a bit of its momentum by being halted with some conversation, but that's alot better than hurting someone.

[MsKriss4Play]

Far too often today's porn is today's teacher. The porn is only in clips not in entirety therefore the true timespan is unaccounted for and could be the demise.
No scene should last that long without asking if all is well, if the submissive wants to continue. And, sometimes you (The Dom/Domme) have to be the one to decide that enough of that abuse has been handed and it's time to reposition.
I feel for the op of that thread. I hope she has learned to fully trust whom she allows to Dominate her BCD or in any form.
Far too often Dom/Dommes use non physical abuse.. such as what happened to me. My Master/Dom took everything I had, right down to a card my grandparents gave me when I was five. I've known of Dommes who do the same thing.
These people and porn clips put a real bad stigma on true BDSM. Sex is a part of the scene but it is not the main attraction.
I didn't look to see where you found the thread, but yeah, Thank you for placing it here.

Just piping in with my opinion..

[Guest032514-1]

This is one of my (many) pet peeves. I just do not believe being an escort automatically qualifies as a BDSM enthusiast. True, providers get all kinds of whacky requests - things considered out side the norm, but putting yourself out there as a Dom or sub without real bona fides just pisses me off.

Yes, "hobbyists" use - actually abuse - escorts under the guise of it being a BDSM session. If it happens in RL - of course it happens in p4p.

I don't use safe words. (Stop screaming) I am an attentive Domme, I am constantly checking my playthings. I rarely have anyone squirm away, collapse etc. Shudder shiver quake & quiver - yeah. I push, oh hell yeah but esp in p4p (escort based session) I am hyper aware of where my partner is mentally and physically - thats my job.

[KohanaKoa]

Nice thread and I appreciate the heads up as I had not seen the aforementioned post until now. It is definitely a shame that the scene was not properly negotiated and the naivety of the provider left her vulnerable. I totally agree with the statements above that it is the Dom's responsibility to monitor the tone of the scene and know when limits have been crossed.

As I stated in the other thread: It is very difficult to experience the Dom/sub lifestyle in the hobby. One cannot reach the level of trust necessary from a single or even a few sessions with a provider. Only after several sessions of trust building can and should the thresholds be pushed.

I feel it is different for a hobbyist attempting to conduct a D/s scene with a provider than a Domme who is acting out a scene with a hobbyist.