Psychiatry jokes

[LuckyBuck]

1. When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

2. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

3. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

4. Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.

5. To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, Algozzine, Foster, and Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet novel test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and aides. It involves three simple steps.
(1) place testee in empty room facing far wall;
(2) place cat into center of room, close and latch door;
(3) after 10 minutes, open the door.

Algozzine, et. al., note that the CAT TEST allows fine discriminations between sub classifications of emotional disturbance. They offer the following guidelines for interpretation of results.

1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be
found in the corners of room - cat alive, but cold.

2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT - fur scattered randomly about the room and on
testee - cat alive, still cold.

3a. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE) - pieces of cat scattered randomly
about room - cat terminated.

3b. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE) - pieces of testee scattered
randomly about room - emotional stability of cat suspect.

4. PARANOID REACTION - testee cowering in far corner of room - cat alive
and sleeping in center of room.

5. PSYCHOPATHOLOGY - only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped loosely about
testee's head - cat assumed terminated.

6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION - testee in center of room carrying on long
existential discussion with cat - cat alive, but confused.

7. NEUROTIC REACTION - testee asking cat for advise about migraine
headache - cat alive and still confused.

8. CATATONIC REACTION - testee in corner of room with back arched, hair
on end, hissing and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - cat alive,
confused, and sexually aroused.

[tia travels]

I like #3 and the cat ones best, but apparently the cat below doesn't.