HELP WANTED: Research assistants needed for scientific investigation

[KilgoreTrout1967]

As part of an ongoing effort to reveal the truth about God and unlock the secrets of the universe, I have received significant funding from the Dharmic Institute of Cock Knowledge to conduct a comprehensive and exhaustive battery of tests and scientific experiments here in the Rochester area to determine one thing:

Who is this God person anyway?

This rigorous scientific journey will test the popular theory that the human orgasm does, in fact, bring one closer to God. So far, there has only been anecdotal evidence supporting this theory (exempli gratia: repeated exclamations of "Oh, my God!" or "Holy Shit" or "In the name of Jesus Christ, don't stop fucking me" at the moment of climax - regardless of religion affiliation). I know it is incredible, but based on this common-man level of proof, even atheists and agnostics find themselves in conversations with the divine in moments of heated passion.

Yes, those specific religious cries do not meet the scientific burden of proof, but I believe they are consistent enough and global enough to warrant further investigation. If you ask me, and the DICK administrators agree, these patterned occurrences are certainly strong enough to raise at least two questions worth answering:

1. Is God actually listening?
2. Has God ever tried to answer?

With your help and participation, I think my clinical research will reveal several unprecedented truths about The Almighty. Such as:

1. God is, indeed, a Peeping Tom pervert peeking in on people while they are engaged in the most intimate acts of intimacy. Of course, God, himself, makes this confession when he states: "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."

2. God likes threesome. The holy trinity is more than just a kinky myth. (And see quote above.)

3. God is a Dom. "For it is written, "AS I LIVE, SAYS THE LORD, EVERY KNEE SHALL BOW TO ME, AND EVERY TONGUE SHALL..." I think we all know the rest of that verse.

4. God likes hookers and slutty women. According to scripture, Mary of Magdelene, a promiscuous woman who at one point had as many as seven demons in her, was the first person to witness Christ the Lord's second coming.

5, No virgin is safe.

Now, you may be wondering, how will my research accomplish such miraculous, unprecedented results? After all, people have been wrestling with these questions and the truth about God and the universe for centuries. How will one modest, scientific man create a breakthrough where so many have failed before him.

The answer is simple. I will ask God himself.

With a dedicated team of skilled research assistants who are willing to roll up their sleeves and get their hands dirty, I will reach the pinnacle of orgasm as many times as possible for as long as possible, and in those moments of divine ecstasy, I will conduct a thorough interrogation of the Lord God Almighty.

Without saying, this project will require significant levels lab time and trained personnel. It's a big job. It won't be easy, but working together, I think we will all discover that many hands make light work.

(Of course, if you are the praying type, anyone who is willing to get down on their knees to support this investigation will also be welcome.)

All are welcome apply, but there is a hands-on screening process in place for determining qualified research assistants. So, if you would like to participate in this breakthrough study, please send a response to this post detailing your interest and experience in similar ventures.

Also, if you have a question you would like God to answer, please list them below.

Thank you for your attention. With so much enthusiasm and interest in this work, I know the truth is within hands reach.

[Plastic Man]

hey jimmie trouser fish ...dos ya feels it in the ol jimmie ...hole when ya makes yer happy ...explosion

[Guest011124]

As I am an alumni of the Dharmic Institute of Cock Knowledge I hEard that they may be doing this research sometime in the near future. I feel it will take many volunteers and many years to complete. I am willing to volunteer my time and body to this noble pursuit and I agree with most of the points you make.

[KilgoreTrout1967]

Originally Posted by bustybabygirl

As I am an alumni of the Dharmic Institute of Cock Knowledge I hEard that they may be doing this research sometime in the near future. I feel it will take many volunteers and many years to complete. I am willing to volunteer my time and body to this noble pursuit and I agree with most of the points you make.

This endeavor will certainly take many long hours, an iron will, and a steadfast commitment to seeing the job through. In the worlds of Thomas Edison, "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration."

So, I guess the question is, BustyBabyGirl, how much are you willing to sweat?

[Guest011124]

I much rather sweat in an air conditioned room doing this sort of hard
labor, than doing pretty much anything else.

[rooster]

I take back the recent nice things I said about you, KG.

Then again....I shoulda known better than to even GO in the Sandbox, let alone open up a thread started by you in there.

Did anyone actually read this piece of shit? I stopped after the term "exempli gratia" (that would probably get boney all charged up though....if he was around....he's been kinda quiet....maybe JJ actually did make him a better man....)

.

[rooster]

Originally Posted by bustybabygirl

.... I am willing to volunteer my time and body to this noble pursuit and I agree with most of the points you make.

Don't "volunteer" anything to this stupidity, babe. Go ahead and participate. Just make sure ya' get PAID!!

.

[KilgoreTrout1967]

I've asked this question before on a different thread, but I think it's worth repeating.

Is it still satire if someone takes it seriously?

[SeekingFun69]

Originally Posted by KilgoreTrout1967

I've asked this question before on a different thread, but I think it's worth repeating.

Is it still satire if someone takes it seriously?

Great post Sir! Unfortunately there are way too many people on these types boards with no sense of humor and take everything far too literally.

[KilgoreTrout1967]

Originally Posted by rooster

Don't "volunteer" anything to this stupidity, babe. Go ahead and participate. Just make sure ya' get PAID!!

.

Don't you listen to him BBG. The pursuit of truth, the quest for the devine, and the path to enlightenment are priceless gifts unto themselves. Together, with a dedicated staff, we will claim the most precious treasures of the universe and hold them in our hands.

Don't worry. Some people are just afraid. Some people just can't swallow the truth.

But, BBG, you have nothing to fear. If I have faith in anything at all, I have faith in your ability to swallow.

[Guest041919-1]

Originally Posted by bustybabygirl

As I am an alumni of the Dharmic Institute of Cock Knowledge I hEard that they may be doing this research sometime in the near future. I feel it will take many volunteers and many years to complete. I am willing to volunteer my time and body to this noble pursuit and I agree with most of the points you make.

BBG you are freaking awesome
the Dharmic Institute of Cock Knowledge
I can not wait until we get a chance to meet.

[cowboy8055]

Originally Posted by rooster

I take back the recent nice things I said about you, KG.

Then again....I shoulda known better than to even GO in the Sandbox, let alone open up a thread started by you in there.

Did anyone actually read this piece of shit? I stopped after the term "exempli gratia" (that would probably get boney all charged up though....if he was around....he's been kinda quiet....maybe JJ actually did make him a better man....)

.

+1

[Guest011124]

Lolol. I'm happy that you have faith in my ability to swallow. That's the kind of reputation I've been trying to build.

[rooster]

Originally Posted by KilgoreTrout1967

I've asked this question before on a different thread, but I think it's worth repeating.

Is it still satire if someone takes it seriously?

Originally Posted by SeekingFun69

Great post Sir! Unfortunately there are way too many people on these types boards with no sense of humor and take everything far too literally.

Nah.... you boyz are the one's what ain't gettin' it. I (and many others)are just really tired of KG's drivel. Ain't nuthin' worse than a frustrated, unpublished writer with an outlet....and a buncha simpletons who will pat him on the back every time he posts this kitsch.

Originally Posted by KilgoreTrout1967

.......The pursuit of truth, the quest for the devine, and the path to enlightenment are priceless gifts unto themselves. Together, with a dedicated staff, we will claim the most precious treasures of the universe and hold them in our hands.....

And THIS is 'zackly the kind of stuff I'm talking about.....

We know you're just funnin' for the most part, KG. But the joke is getting old. Fuck....it was old after the first post. Ya' gotta move on, come up with a different angle. At the very least....get a faaaaking editor.

.

[SeekingFun69]

Originally Posted by rooster

Nah.... you boyz are the one's what ain't gettin' it. I (and many others)are just really tired of KG's drivel. Ain't nuthin' worse than a frustrated, unpublished writer with an outlet....and a buncha simpletons who will pat him on the back every time he posts this kitsch.

.

You do know that there is an ignore option right? I've found it works great for hiding the syphilitic ramblings of certain posters.