~COOKING FOR DAT HO~

[Toyz]

How many times have you had dat ho over & wish you could do more than boil water and make ramen noodles?


Fear no more...tonight Master Chef & BoLoGnAConnoisseur TOYZ is going to walk you through how to prepare a magnificent BoLoGnA & Velveeta Sammie Deluxe Dinner.

BoLoGnA, as you may know, is considered the meat of the Gods. Born eons ago on the hallowed hills of Olympus, BoLoGnA was considered as rare as a one trick a day Hoogar.

And while the legend is stated that HERCULES maintained his powers through his curly locks, the truth is that BoLoGnA fueled his superhuman strength and legendary cawk.

Now, through ages of breeding & steroid injections, finding BoLoGnA is as simple as going to your local HEB!

I am going to share with you the handed down for generations of the TOYZ family recipe for an amazingly gourmet BoLoGnA & Velveeta Sammie.

First, Buy some good quality all beef BoLoGnA from the DELI (never the packaged shit). Velveeta is a bitch to slice in the boxed style so get the pre-packaged slices.

DEPENDING ON THE HO!

Depending on who dat ho is, you might want to go with the deluxe version of this epicurean delight. I've added crispy BAKUN & very thinly sliced Capicola to tonights sammie. IF you don't know Capicola from your Assahola, you can sub in Pepparoni.

Any BAKUN will work, but I like Hormel Black Label which has a nice salty taste, but not overpowering...I also liked seeded buns. BUT BE CAREFUL! Make sure they are YOUR seeds. Nothing ruins an appetite like biting into some fresh buns with someone elses seed on them.






Now, you can't make a BoLoGnA & Velveeta Sammie and just throw it at her, (unless your into that kink), so you want to have a side dish. CHEETOS is an option for you super lame fucks, but for the sake of our demonstration, we're going to be a bit more creative.

We're going to make fresh sweet potato & russet potato French fries. For this, you will need a Mandolin with a 7mm French fry insert. If you think a Mandolin is an Italian Midget Guitar, you should stock up on Cheetos





Now...crispy BAKUN is an art. Not many know how to pull it off. They throw it on top of the stove, crank that fucker on 11, and cook it until the smoke alarm goes off. HERES the TOYZ cooking trick for crispy bacon every time. Lay the slices side by side in a baking pan (not touching). Turn your OVEN to 375 degrees. About 5-7 minutes in pull the BAKUN out and drain it. PAT the slices with paper towels to soak up excess grease, and put the BAKUN back in the oven. Most people wind up BOILING their BAKUN in the grease rather than letting it get crispy.





You want it DRY! You know dry right? Like that Hoogar that thinks you look disgusting? When you move down to her Kitty and spread the lips and its so dry that a puff of dust comes out? {{{PUFFFF}}}. THATS how you want your BAKUN.

GRILL your buns. Easy. Use a NON coated pan. Heat that fucker up hot. Put 1 tablespoon of butter in it and smush those buns into it. Smear 'em around nice and long so the butter gets all smushed up into the bread...let them brown checking every know and then to make sure they aren't burning.





For the taters...I use a cast iron skillet that I've had longer than either of my wives...fill that sucker about 1/2 full of lard or peanut oil. Don't cop out and use vegetable oil cause your just fooling yourself anyway. Once you both eat this cholesterol monster you're liable to have a stroke anyway. Heat that oil HOT.I put a lid over the pan to bring the temperature WAY up there. Then scoop equal parts white and sweet potato and drop into the pan. BE FUCKING CAREFUL all the temps cool and hot will boil up for a few seconds...if you stand too close you might look like Freddie Krueger soon, and its tough to fuck with 3rd degree burns.
(((And incase any of you aren't that smart...NEVER cook without pants on. Your Cawk will look kinda sad with grease burns.

DRESS THAT BITCH UP LIKE A PUSSY MAFIA GIRL ON VALENTINES

You are putting on a show for dat ho. You are already in, what, $20 on food and $37.50+ on the session???

Don't scrimp on condiments or ad ons. I like overripe tomatoes & red scallions. (They're little onions for the McDonalds crowd). And everything goes better with a little Grey Poupon it.

But be creative...BoLoGnA is a many splendored meat (kind of like my Cawk) and goes well with a myriad of additives.





BoLoGnA tends to bubble up (like mongers cawks at a social) and it helps if you cut two slices across the center of each slice. Toss those puppies face down in pan you grilled the buns in. Flip when "charred" on one side, cook another 4 mins or so, then layer the velveeta across the top of the magnificent
BoLoGnA. Put a lid on the skillet and give it a couple of minutes to bubble that cheese!

BUILDING THAT MOTHER FUCKER

The ORDER of assembly is important! Do you ever get a sammie and its soggie before you are finished? If this occurs one of two things is happening

1). You put the tomatoes directly against the bun
2). You are fucking jacking off instead of concentrating on cooking

Put the 1st layer (if a double or quad decker) on the bottom bun. Then the Capicola, then the second layer of BoLoGnA. with the melted velveeta, THEN the tomatoes, scallions, other addatives, LETTUCE if you are using it, then BAKUN...finish off with the top of the bun which you have put your dressing of choice on. In this case, it was amazing stone ground grey poupon.

Take the fried taters out of the grease and let quickly drain on paper towels. I like to simply put fresh cracked black pepper & fresh ground salt on them. You may do what you wish. (You can also dip them in a simple flour/milk batter and have fried battered taters-this also works for carrots/cauliflower etc).





Now again DEPENDING ON DA HO! You will choose your beverage of choice

If you plan on a non-stop-fuck-a-thon a Red Bull & a suggestive "Naked" beverage does the trick





For you Welcome Wagon Vultures, she probably hasn't gotten past fruity soft drinks and doesn't want anything to stick to her braces, so...





And BoLoGnA & velveeta sammies pairs well with a wide variety of red wines (NEVER white with BoLoGnA!! Show some class). Even if you don't have a 20 year old bottle of Pinot from the best Pinot vineyards in North America, a solid RIPPLE will do the trick too.





So the next time you want to take a Ho out and impress her with Trulucks, Sullivans or some other hottie totty place, remember you can get those panties dampened with a delicious, satisfying & creative BoLoGnA & velveeta sammie!!

This is your Chef TOYZ bidding you adieu & bon appetite

[rockerrick]

You cook mighty purty there Boy

[sifupsi]

Damn! Off to HEB!

[happybanana]

Well worth $37.50!

HB

[Guest010218]

Originally Posted by happybanana

Well worth $37.50!

HB

Cheap at twice the price...

[quzi]

how much is Ripple these days?

[FS_ITC]

So tho is co-ed and not sandbox?

I guess if it's guaranteed to get me laid...

[RandB fan]

Originally Posted by quzi

how much is Ripple these days?

ToyZ, That looks like a mighty fine sammie. Your lessons on crisping bacon and toasting buns (Humm, oh yeah) were a nice touch to those who live on pizza rolls and Lone Star beer. I like using a commercial bakers cooling rack to cook bacon in the oven(no draining). The French fry tutorial should be made into a video, maybe like a cookbook I have called..... wait for it.... here it comes.... "Cooking In The Nude" a cookbook for lovers!!! Yery nicely done!!

Personally,If I am going to all that work I'd replace baloney with tasso and Velveeta with provel cheese. If you ever go to Columbus Ohio they serve fried balony sammies all over town, I would sell one of them your recipe.


I do have to agree that it is a mid '90 vintage but I can't see past the brand name...but that winery is known for it's Petite Sirah wines, not Pinot's. It sure looks like that is what it is. I can not determine the vintage but it is their early to mid mid 90's label design. If it's a '97 or an '88 (Selling in the late 2000's for $60 bottle) I wouldn't waste it on a sammie and fries. Although, both the wine and the hoogar may be past their prime ($12 now for wine $37.50 for hoogar) so maybe it would be an excellent selection.
Toyz, you may have missed you're calling of being a Sommelier at Brazenhead's in Columbus, OH


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I look forward to your next cooking seminar, Maybe with Mardi Gras you could do jambalaya? I have a couple of boxes of beads so the scenery in the background could be keep the guys attention while you explain different methods of making a roux. It's a great way to use that bacon fat you just rendered.

[RandB fan]

Originally Posted by quzi

how much is Ripple these days?

ToyZ, That looks like a mighty fine sammie. Your lessons on crisping bacon and toasting buns (Humm, oh yeah) were a nice touch to those who live on pizza rolls and Lone Star beer. I like using a commercial bakers cooling rack to cook bacon in the oven(no draining). The French fry tutorial should be made into a video, maybe like a cookbook I have called..... wait for it.... here it comes.... "Cooking In The Nude" a cookbook for lovers!!! Yery nicely done!!

Personally,If I am going to all that work I'd replace baloney with tasso and Velveeta with provel cheese. If you ever go to Columbus Ohio they serve fried balony sammies all over town, I would sell one of them your recipe.


I do have to agree that it is a mid '90 vintage but I can't see past the brand name...but that winery is known for it's Petite Sirah wines, not Pinot's. It sure looks like that is what it is. I can not determine the vintage but it is their early to mid mid 90's label design. If it's a '97 or an '88 (Selling in the late 2000's for $60 bottle) I wouldn't waste it on a sammie and fries. Although, both the wine and the hoogar may be past their prime ($12 now for wine $37.50 for hoogar) so maybe it would be an excellent selection.
Toyz, you may have missed you're calling of being a Sommelier at Brazenhead's in Columbus, OH


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I look forward to your next cooking seminar, Maybe with Mardi Gras you could do jambalaya? I have a couple of boxes of beads so the scenery in the background could be keep the guys attention while you explain different methods of making a roux. It's a great way to use that bacon fat you just rendered.

[Toyz]

Rand, it was a JOKE PIECE.

But I am THRILLED to find another fellow cook & wine snob! I'm looking forward to trading stories about the California wine country & your visits to the many amazing wineries throughout the area!

And a thank you for the call out on the Foppiano being Petite Sarah. I was rushing to push this piece online cause I had somewhere to be, and I grabbed the WRONG bottle of wine. The one I thought I had a pic of was a 1996 Pinot Noir from David Bruce winery (don't you love the view from their patio in the back of the mountains? That has long been one of my favorite visits even though they are a bit off the beaten path. Los Gatos is the coolest little town to check out though, so its all good.

Foppiano, as you know, is more about mass production and less about having guests visit And since its very near the coast its a different micro climate and I would surmise is why they farm the Sarah...your thoughs?

Tell me your favorite wineries of the area and I'll share my thoughts. I'm much more a domestic fan than foreign, but know a bit about French, Italian...just a bit about Spain wines. Hate german wines and avoid at all costs.

THE ONE ON THE RIGHT IS THE ONE I MEANT TO PAIR WITH THE BOLOGNA



I'm so excited to talk with someone that knows a bit about wine! And to think its you living in the desolate heartland of America, who would have thought???

Ah, to the point of the decreasing value of the Petite Sarah. I don't collect for value appreciation. I collect to drink. I'll buy a green wine and let it age a few years (with a good red) but rarely do I go online and check the price fluxes. But sometimes I'll let one sit too long and it goes past its "peak". And a few I keep just for memories/unique factor/etc. Such is the case with the two wines above.
BOTH (well the Bruce might still be in peak form) are probably past their best time to drink and the value to a DRINKER is probably low.
But I would wonder how easy it is to find a 20 year old bottle of either of these? Maybe its easy.

Here are a few others I've held "past" their due date. But there is a personal story surrounding each, so I keep them for sentimental reasons. Oh...and NONE of these wines were bought in a shop...they were all purchased at the vineyard on site (with the exception of the Bruce, which was engraved and given to me by a former GF as a present...she liked wine too).



Hey, given your deep knowledge of wines and their declining value, can you get me an estimate on this group of wines? Its a 8 year vertical of the Marilyn Merlot collectible series from 1994-2001. I also have a 3 year vertical 98-00. I never plan on drinking them, just a fan of that Ho. Thinking she would be OPEC friendly in the 240 HR range during her hay day.



OH and regarding being a sommelier, why would I want to take a pay cut and work in a bar? And I've actually spent some time on campus in Columbus attending a one week seminar there. I remember there being an overabundance of cute blondes and guido looking fat asses at the bars. Although the campus is nice.

This WAS my centerpiece group of wine. A case of 1984 OPUS. As you no doubt know, OPUS is the only 5 star rated winery in the US (or at least was for many years). And while I find their wine exceptional, its a bit overpriced IMO and there are other Cabs I like better...Caymus, Stags Leap, Benzinger come to mind. (NOT Beringer, people get the two confused...one is NAPA one is just the other side of the mountain in Sonoma...) Alas, my favorite ATF loved reds as much as I and we long ago smashed the last of the OPUS.



And thanks for the reminder of the grill for crispy bacon. I saw that online too and keep forgetting to buy one to try it. Makes perfect sense when you think about it!

But, BACON GREASE for Jambalaya Roux??? Damn man, now much bacon do you cook? And half of the bacon grease is just water, so it doesn't really hold up that well at temperature when making Roux...thats just my thoughts though. There are two schools of thought for making a solid Roux...butter or oil. Having used both, I opt for oil. Butter adds a flavor to Gumbo/Etouffee/Jambalaya that I just don't care for.

HERES what to use bacon grease for. This is my brunch today that I am/have eaten while responding to you, just thought I would share pics with a fellow epicurean to exchange cooking thoughts.

Southern GRAVY is made with bacon fat/grease



Served over scratch bisquits



With bacon, fresh sliced fried taters & peets coffee...




Oh and here are a few dishes I've made recently, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOURS TOO!

Gumbo



Crawfish Boil



Etouffee'


Cajun Brunch


Cornish hens with pilaf

[Toyz]

Originally Posted by FS_ITC

So tho is co-ed and not sandbox?

I guess if it's guaranteed to get me laid...

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LETTING IT STAY IN CO-ED!

And OF COURSE it will help you get laid, duh?

Hoggars FLOCK to Bologna and Velveeta like old mongers to welcome wagon...they can't resist even if they have to have the 10th bite of the sammie that day & it may have been sitting in the sun getting all dried and crusty.

[Toyz]

Originally Posted by rockerrick

You cook mighty purty there Boy

Thank you Ricky!

Truth be told it was pretty goddamn tasty...

[Toyz]

Originally Posted by quzi

how much is Ripple these days?

Ask my spell checker/secretary/aide RandB Fan. He is good at that tedious google research & copy/paste shit. He can give you a historic spread of RIPPLE costs through the decades.

[Claire She Blows]

If you want your sweet potato fries to be crispy, you have to shake them up in a bag with cornstarch. My two cents. Everything else looks delicious. And I'm sooooo guilty of boiling my bacon in grease, lol.

[RandB fan]

Originally Posted by Toyz

Ask my Fact Checker/ Consultant RandB Fan. He is good at that tedious google research & copy/paste shit. He can give you a historic spread of RIPPLE costs through the decades.

I am glad to say I never tasted it before but I guess a bottle saver (like ToyZ) would make a few bucks on them if they had them.
ripple.JPG


This bottle was reported to have not been stored well and had crap on the bottom and floaters but still brought $45 shipped.

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