Welcome to ECCIE - Sign up today!

chefcurb · 04-06-2011, 10:50 PM

I'm married involved emotionally with a married woman. We've professed our feelings for one another and when we are together there is passion and intimacy. We DFK, cuddle, grind, dry hump, I finger her, she reaches in my pants and strokes me and will perform oral sex on me. When it comes time to repay the favor and I offer, she tells me no, she's not ready. I know she likes it as I have performed oral on her a couple of times a few years ago during a rough stretch in her marriage (mine has been a continuous rough stretch that hasn't changed in years and I know there is no hope lol). Since that time she has tried to make her marriage work and had a child. It still isn't working and her feelings for me are stronger than ever as is mine for her.

Why is it that she doesn't mind the emotional attachment and the intimacy along with performing fellatio on me but when it comes to her satisfaction and feeling good, she refuses? After I tell her I want to do her, she says that day will come and she'll make sure she gets hers. So I wait.

I don't want to overanalyze it but it just seems odd that our relationship is at a level that it would be considered an affair or cheating, yet maybe she doesn't see giving a blow job as cheating, but if she received oral sex it would be? Maybe once she opens that pandora's box she feels there is no turning back and we'll have intercourse? Or perhaps that by performing oral sex and receiving none in return gives her the power over the relationship to a degree, thus going at a comfortable pace for her as she sorts through things?

I know I sound crazy because I'm getting head while not having to give it, but I love giving it. I need a female perspective on this matter. I've asked her but she's pretty good at evading the topic. Thanks girls.

guest042111 · 04-07-2011, 01:39 AM

Perhaps that is what she is used to in her marriage..giving with no receiving.

TwistedTiger · 04-07-2011, 04:50 AM

Have you just asked her? Sometimes it's uncomfortable to ask the hard questions, but it's the only way to find out what she is really thinking.

DallasRain · 04-07-2011, 09:46 AM

ditto with Twisted...sometimes it is best just to be upfront

best to ya!

Nicolet · 04-07-2011, 10:12 AM

You brought up many valid points, I agree also with Tiger and Dallas. Too be in an unrealized relationship for so long has to be heartwrenching. Talk to her. I hope you find the answer, whether its one you want to hear or not. At least you will know where you really stand. Stay strong.

dilbert firestorm · 04-07-2011, 06:33 PM

urm.. is this evasive behavior that of a rape victim?

chefcurb · 04-08-2011, 08:14 AM

Thanks for the input everyone. Just trying to understand her reasoning. I've brought it up a few times but have never been given a reason as to why she is hesitant for me to return the favor. Maybe she figures it isn't cheating if she doesn't receive sexual gratification, but giving it there is less guilt? Being that we are emotionally involved and the intimate moments we've had to me is more cheating than any sex could be. Maybe by not going any further justifies it. Who knows? She is a "giver" in all phases of her life and sacrifices to a fault.

Bottom line is that we enjoy being with one another, know where we'd like to end up in our lives, but she has to let things play out with the father of her son (who really is dropping the ball, but she continues to enable him). Meanwhile I'll continue to let her "give" and continue to offer my talents until she's ready.

Burlyswamprat · 04-08-2011, 09:06 AM

The best thing I can say is, keep letting her set the pace. You do want to talk about this issue with her, but don't push her to do anything she isn't comfortable with. From reading, I think you care about her enough that you aren't going to push anyway. Listen to what she has to say and try to understand it. It's possible that Dilbert is right. She may have been a rape victim. She also might merely have a boundary that you do not. Either way, you can do more emotional damage by forcing a boundary than any physical damage you could ever do. Push too hard and it can kill a budding relationship.

Outdoorsman · 04-08-2011, 10:30 AM

Me I chose to try to live my life without needing to understand. When I attempt to figrure out or understand, which I do at times, it leads me to frustration and desiring to conform the individual to my understanding. I do not need to know how this computer works, just that it does. I do not need to know why my partner will or will not do certain acts, just that she is unwilling and unwanting at the moment. I can only deal with the crap that goes on in my own head not everyone else's.

I would suggest discussing with her the big picture instead of the minor details. Where is our relationship going? Are we on a path to marriage one day? Are we going to leave our spouses and freely pursue our love for each? That is what I would be interested in.

The sex stuff will come in time and really I see that as a minor point to the big picture, just me. I hope that helps.

dilbert firestorm · 04-09-2011, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chefcurb

I'm married involved emotionally with a married woman. We've professed our feelings for one another and when we are together there is passion and intimacy.

I had to re-read what you wrote. its the way you wrote it.

are u currently married to your SO having an affair with another married woman?

that's this what looks like to me. if that's the case, take back the rape comment.

TxTraveler · 04-12-2011, 07:10 PM

I had a relationship for a year with a lady that was only bbbjtcnqns and play (asthma), then found out she was married. Didn't sit well w/ me and when questioned, her response "eating ain't cheating", bless her heart. I can relate.

chefcurb · 04-15-2011, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dilbert firestorm

I had to re-read what you wrote. its the way you wrote it.

are u currently married to your SO having an affair with another married woman?

that's this what looks like to me. if that's the case, take back the rape comment.

Yes I am currently married as is she. My marriage for all intents and purposes is one of coexistence, like roommates really. We don't even sleep in the same bed. As for the affair, it really is emotionally charged with the only sex involved is the oral sex she provides. Thus the theme of the thread as to why she performs oral while drawing the line at receiving it. There is fingering, passionate kissing and fondling, but every time I approach the topic or try going down on her I hit a brick wall. I've asked for a reason but get none. I don't want to push it so that she will proceed at her own pace. As for the rape comment, I took no offense if any was intended. I don't know her past history regarding it. I have my suspicions but just don't know. I do know we know where we'd like this to go, but while I'm ready, she is trying to let the father be the dad he needs to be before finally giving up. That's another thread though. Thanks to all for your responses.